


Regency!Fic

by using_this_name



Series: Crackity Crack [20]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Regency, Crack, Crossdressing, Dean is Promiscuous, Drabble, Duelling, Etchings, F/F, Humor, M/M, Mistaken Identity, Overuse of the word 'quite', Pornstar Sam, Prophesy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-12
Updated: 2013-05-12
Packaged: 2017-12-11 17:01:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 5,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/801025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/using_this_name/pseuds/using_this_name
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam is disguised as a girl to avoid their enemies.  Cas is disguised as a girl to avoid having to flirt with girls.  Gabriel likes tall women.  Dean would like to have sex at some point.</p><p>And Lucifer may or may not be a porn star.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

*In a newly rented townhouse somewhere in London*

**Dean:** It is a truth universally acknowledged that a Sam in possession of a good bottom must be in need of a buggering.

**Sam:** Dean, whatever are you doing?

**Dean:** I was thinking of writing a book, dear brother.

**Sam:** About my bottom? Is that proper?

**Dean:** Perhaps not. However, I have never been accused of excessive propriety. Moreover, it is quite a lovely bottom, if I may say.  In any event, I was thinking my novel could be about your romantic exploits. Tea?

**Sam:** A quick cup would be delightful. But you know we must get ready for the ball.

*Dean pours tea*

**Dean:** Quite. And it may take some time to get you into that corset. Not to mention makeup and curls.

**Sam:** How can you be thinking of writing a novel on the subject of my romantic exploits? You, dear brother, may be an acknowledged rake…

**Dean:** Thank you.

**Sam:** …but I am quite chaste, and must also partake of this ridiculous charade of femininity to protect us from discovery by our enemies from the Continent. However shall I have romance while I am disguised as a woman?

**Dean:** Are you trying to tell me, dear brother, that you would rather be dressed as a man and court women? I know your preferences are not inclined that way. In this disguise, you will have the eye of every man you could want.

**Sam:** Yes, but only because I will be - how does one say it? - oh yes. Freakishly tall.

**Dean:** A good point. Perhaps we should forgo the high-heeled shoes.

*In a different, but similarly new, townhouse on the other side of London*

**Gabriel:** It would be mortifying to the feelings of many ladies, could they be made to understand how little the heart of man is affected by what is costly or new in their attire.

**Castiel:** You know that I am not, in fact, a woman, do you not?

**Gabriel:** Of course, dear brother. However, you have spent enough time on your wig to make me begin to believe otherwise.

**Castiel:** Well, it must be flawless or I will be discovered.

**Gabriel:** Are you really willing to be thought a woman by all of London society? We will be here for the foreseeable future.

**Castiel:** As I have explained, this is for the best. I am, as I am sure you have noticed on numerous occasions, quite frightened of women. And you could always introduce my twin brother who has been abroad on the Continent. Do not forget him.

**Gabriel:** How could I?  You know, no one will believe our parents would name their twin children Cassandra and Castiel. It would be quite cruel.

**Castiel:** However, this way I will not forget to answer to my new name. Also, you know perfectly well that people have named their children worse things. What of our cousin, Lucifer?

**Gabriel:** I suppose I must admit that you are right on that count. But this disguise will not, as you say, allow you to avoid women. If anything, you will now be required to spend more time in their company, not less.

**Castiel:** You are correct. However, they will not be attempting to flirt with me, which is, altogether, the activity that frightens me.

**Gabriel:** Moreover, I would think, you will now be allowed to bat your eyes at the sex you find…less frightening.

**Castiel:** I must admit, that did factor into my choice of disguise. It is, of course, harmless, as I cannot allow flirting to progress to courtship with anyone who is ignorant of my sex.

**Gabriel:** Quite. Tea?

**Castiel:** Perhaps you could help me with this corset first, and then we could take tea together? I am rather peckish.

*Gabriel begins helping to tighten Castiel’s corset*

**Gabriel:** I get the distinct feeling that you rather like wearing this corset, regardless of your machinations.

**Castiel:** Hold your tongue!  That is quite an improper accusation. Also, could you pull it a bit tighter? Oh yes, just like that!


	2. Chapter 2

*A ball*

**Dean:**  Mmmmm. I do love a good ankle.

**Sam:**  Dean! We are among company!

**Dean:**  Yes, but did you see when Ruby did that turn? She did show a delightful little…

**Sam:**  Ruby is sitting down on the other side of the room.

**Dean:**  Oh, well, the scary-looking  _blond_  one is. I do believe she would be positively feisty between the sheets. But, dear brother, I am speaking of the other Ruby.

**Sam:**  There are two? Just the one was enough to frighten me off. You know she tried to get me to dance with that scruffy blond man…what was his name?  Oh yes. Lucifer. What upstanding member of society would use such a name for their child? Although, it does fit him alarmingly well…

**Dean:**  Quite. Regardless, his breeches do show off his endowments rather well.

  **Sam:**  You do tend to like the scary type.

**Dean:**  They tend to be more…adventurous. Anyhow, I was speaking of Ruby. The little brunette one. Quite a spitfire, though not as scary as the other one. To be frank, I am not sure what to think of her.

**Sam:**  Ah, yes. I see her now. Dancing with that Joseph gentleman? I talked to her briefly, I believe.  She seemed quite sweet.

**Dean:**  That’s the one. I saw you speaking to Joseph earlier as well. Do I sense a budding romance? Something sweet and sickening to make me need a bath and a quick roll in the hay to get the scent of naïveté out of my nostrils?

**Sam:**  Not quite. I was giving…him…some advice on the proper way to tie a cravat. Seems he has never had the need before.

**Dean:**  Him?

**Sam:**  Quite. He asked me to call him Jo.

**Dean:**   Mmmm. That makes Ruby’s dancing a good deal more intriguing. Do you think they would let me watch?

**Sam:**  Them dance? I think you already are watching…

**Dean:**  How you are my brother, and still so innocent, I shall never know. Go find someone to stare longingly at and write love poetry about.

**Sam:**  Well! I’ll leave you alone to your grumbling about things I can’t possibly understand, then!

*He stomps off, as much as one can stomp off in full skirts and a corset, in search of tea*

*Meanwhile, on the other side of the room*

**Blond Ruby:**  So, you are visiting from the Continent? Where are you staying?

**Castiel:**  For the moment, we are renting from our cousin Lucifer. But we hope to settle soon, if the climate agrees with us.

**Blond Ruby:**  And stay in Town more permanently?

**Castiel:**  We are hopeful that will be the case, yes.

**Blond Ruby:**  How wonderful. And your brother? Is he…attached…to Town?

**Castiel:**  We have not made many acquaintances, and he none of the feminine persuasion, if that is what you were inquiring.

**Blond Ruby:**  Mmm. Perhaps I should…make his acquaintance, then. *nods to Gabriel* Sir.

**Gabriel:**  *munching on a cookie* A delight, I’m sure.

**Blond Ruby:**  Would you care to dance? Or perhaps take a walk in the garden?

**Castiel:**  *whispering* Have you no shame?

**Gabriel:**  I would be delighted to take a turn about the dance floor. However, I prefer to walk in gardens with women a bit…taller.

**Blond Ruby:**  I am already taller than yourself, if you don’t mind me saying.

**Gabriel:**  Quite. But still. *gets a dreamy look* Moreover, did you not already take a walk in the garden with Mr. Winchester? I would dislike walking where another has already…walked.

**Blond Ruby:**  Well I never!

*She stomps off, as much as one can stomp off in full skirts and a corset, in search of men*

*Sam stomps by, bumping Gabriel’s shoulder in his rush*

**Sam:**  Oh! I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you standing th…

**Gabriel:**  *looks up, and gets a dreamy look* Why hello. My name is Gabriel. Um. Shirley. Gabriel Shirley.

**Sam:**  Sam. Samantha Winchester. But I’m not like my brother. Pleasure to meet you.

**Gabriel:**  Quite. I cannot believe we have not been introduced. How could I have missed a lady of your…stature?

**Dean:**  *coming over* I’m sorry, Sam! I didn’t mean…oh, sorry. Oh. Hello. I don’t believe we’ve…

**Castiel:**  Cassandra Shirley.

**Dean:**  Dean Winchester.

**Castiel:**  Oh.

*a really awkward pause*

**Gabriel:**  Samantha, would you like to take a walk in the garden?

**Sam:**  Quite.

*They leave. Another pause. No one is there to realize it’is awkward*

**Dean:**  Um. Hello.

…

**Castiel:**  Um.

**Dean:**  I like your corset.

**Castiel:**  Thanks?

**Dean:**  Quite.

…


	3. Chapter 3

**Dean:** …

**Castiel:** …

**Meg:** Why, hello. My name is Meg. I believe we met in…

**Dean:** …

**Castiel:** …

**Meg:** Oh, never mind.

*Meanwhile*

**Gabriel:** So, Samantha. Sam. Sam-a-lamb. Do you mind if I call you Sam?

**Sam:** Not at all.

**Gabriel:** So, Sam, how did a nice young lady like you end up so very tall?

**Sam:** Um….

**Lucifer:** Why hello there, Miss Winchester. I have been looking everywhere for you.

**Gabriel:** Good to see you here, Lucy.

*They stare at each other for a while, but in a very different way from what Dean and Cas are doing inside. If it were polite for gentleman to growl, they would be doing so. As it is, Sam is getting all hot and bothered by the big manly men being manly.*

**Lucifer:** Samantha, would you like to have that dance we were deprived of earlier?

*Sam makes the decision between the adorable short dude who likes candy and the big scary dude who probably just wants to use his body and destroy his soul.  It doesn’t take very long. I didn’t say it was a hard decision.*

**Sam:** I am actually walking with Mr. Shirley right now. Perhaps another time.

**Lucifer:** If I were you, I would watch out for yourself. Walking might prove…more strenuous than you would find comfortable..

**Gabriel:** I’m sure the lady knows her limits and the limits of propriety.

**Sam:** Quite.

**Lucifer:** Very well. I only tell you to preserve your reputation. You wouldn’t want people to find out you have…loose morals.

**Gabriel:** *with a hand on his sword* I cannot stand by and allow you to insult a lady in such a way, Cousin.

**Lucifer:** Is that a challenge, Cousin? Because I would give such a challenge grave consideration before uttering it. I do not take such insults lightly.

**Gabriel:** Then perhaps you should not have insulted the lady. Or were you just attempting to commiserate? Truly, your lack of higher moral judgement is legendary.

**Lucifer:** Why you little…!

*Lucifer lifts up Gabriel and throws him back, knocking him into Sam. They both fall over*

**Gabriel:** *whispering* Why Samantha! Is that a pistol I feel in your pocket?

**Sam:** *whispering as well* I thought you were calling me Sam? And I can’t help it if I enjoy men fighting over me as much as the next…girl.

**Gabriel:** Quite. I can’t possibly hold such excitement against you. That does seem like a rather large firearm, however. Are you sure you know how to use it?

**Sam:** I believe I am quite a good…shot.

**Gabriel:** I would like to see that some time.

**Sam:** Where is your propriety?

**Gabriel:** I believe it, much like your bosoms, is just an outward show at times. I apologise.

**Lucifer:** *quite loudly, ending the whispering* If you fail to get off the lady soon, I shall believe you lacking in moral fiber as well, Cousin.

**Gabriel:** I would like nothing more than to get off the lady- *Sam sniggers* -but these skirts are quite difficult to extricate oneself from.

*Gabriel struggles up*

**Lucifer:** I undergo your challenge, and as the challenged I claim my right to choose the time and place of the duel.

**Gabriel:** Very well. And what is your decision?

**Lucifer:** Tonight. Midnight. Behind the old church.

**Gabriel:** I will not disappoint.

**Lucifer:** See that you do not.

*Lucifer stomps off*

**Gabriel:** Would you like to come and watch this duel for your maidenly virtue?

**Sam:** I would never miss it. You should ask my brother to be your second.

**Gabriel:** A sound plan. Let us go find him and my sister and acquaint them of these happenings.

**Sam:** Quite.

**Gabriel:** You should probably bring your pistol as well. Just in case.

**Sam:** I think perhaps this one might be of more use. *takes a real pistol out of his bustle*

**Gabriel:** I think I may love you.


	4. Chapter 4

*That night. A little before midnight. Behind the old church.*

**Dean:** ….

**Castiel:** ….

**Sam:** Dean! Focus! Duel!

**Dean:** …mhmm….

**Gabriel:** Cassandra!

**Dean:** Cassandra is such a pretty name. Could I call you Cas?

**Castiel:** No one has ever given me a nickname before. I would be honored.

**Gabriel:** I call her ‘Cas’ all the time!

**Sam:** I’m so sorry! This never happens to my brother, I can assure you.

**Gabriel:** That’s what she said. And do you, by chance, know that from experience?

**Sam:** Ew. And no.

**Gabriel:** Too bad. Anyway, this staring debacle they call conversation can only end in tragedy. Regardless of previous innuendo. Unless…Sam?

**Sam:** Yes?

**Gabriel:** How does Dean feel about romancing people with, well, with a pistol like yours?

**Sam:** Oh, for heaven’s sake. I promise you, we are not erotically co-dependent. And sadly, this is not the first time we’ve been accused of incestuous behavior. Do I have an aura of does-unspeakable-things-to-his-brother about me? Because I rather resent these insinuations!

**Gabriel:** Geez. I just meant to ask if he liked guys. But actually, I think the incest thing would be surprisingly hot…

**Sam:** Gabriel!

**Gabriel:** Hey! It would! Have you seen you?  Have you seen him?

**Sam:** Whatever. And yes, Dean tends to dally with persons of both sexes. However, I do believe his current feelings for your sister are genuine. If alarming.

**Gabriel:** I believe his feelings for my sister are genuine as well. I was just concerned about his feelings for Cassandra’s twin brother, Castiel. They are never in the same place at the same time.

**Sam:** Ah. Yes. Well, Dean does love romancing siblings.

*Gabriel snorts*

**Sam:** NOT IN THAT WAY!

**Dean:** What way?

**Sam:** Ah. So you can still perceive the rest of us. Did you know that Cassandra has a twin brother, Castiel? They are never in the same place at the same time.

**Castiel:** Well I never…!

**Dean:** Really? Awesome! Wait. Cas, do you really like corsets, or is that just part of your…

**Castiel:** No. I really, really like corsets.

**Dean:** …

**Castiel:** Like, _like_ like corsets.

*Dean begins to drool*

**Gabriel:** That went well. I rather think he’s been broken. And right before my duel, as well.

**Dean:** …

**Castiel:** …

**Dean:** That’s good. Sam really hates corsets, you know. No matter how much I tell him they make his backside look absolutely…

**Sam:** Brother, dear, you are not helping my claims of strictly filial feelings between us.

**Dean:** Maybe you make those claims, Samantha. I, however, have seen your backside. And I am quite sure the feelings that sight provoked in my pants were not filial.

**Sam:** Your eyes should not be on my back…!

**Lucifer:** *walking around the corner* Who is on their back? I certainly expect to see you on yours, dear Cousin!

**Sam:** *aside* Wonderful. More incest.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Lucifer:** Mr. Shirley, Miss Winchester, a pleasure. I wish I could say we met as friends. As it is, I shall greatly enjoy your company as I orchestrate your demise.

**Gabriel:** You are a tad overdramatic, are you not, dear Cousin? This is not a fight to the death, after all.

**Lucifer:** Perhaps not…

**Gabriel:** This is my second, Mr. Dean Winchester.  Mr. Winchester, meet my cousin Lucifer.

**Dean:** Charmed. I’m Miss Winchester’s brother, if you were wondering. And believe me, I make sure that no one makes fun of my Sammy!

**Sam:** *aside* Except you.

**Gabriel:** *to Sam* How are you guys NOT having sex?

**Lucifer:** How delightfully possessive. After I win the remarkably tall Miss Winchester, I will certainly let you have a go.

**Dean:** Thanks. I mean. HOW DARE YOU!?!

**Sam:** *to Gabriel* Would you like to elope and move to the Continent?

**Gabriel:** And miss this? Where is some popcorn when you need it?

**Castiel:** Um. Sam? He doesn’t really want to sleep with you, right?

**Sam:** He wants to sleep with everyone. But don’t worry. He wants to sleep with you more.

**Gabriel:** Yeah. He only wants to get underneath his brother’s skirts a little. But he loves a man who loves a corset and bustle.

**Castiel:** Oh good. I certainly love wearing women’s clothing. It’s so freeing. And I love the lacy undergarments.  Don’t you agree, Sam?

**Sam:** Not so much.  I am definitely changing into pants as soon as possible. And then running off to the Continent.

**Jo:** Could I come with you?

**Sam:** Jo! I mean, Mr. Harvel! Why are you here?

**Jo:** Honestly, I have no idea. Lucifer here just sort of dragged me. Something about being his second?

**Sam:** He’s fighting a duel with Mr. Shirley. Once he and Dean stop fighting over who is going to ‘win me.’ *to the still-bickering devil and his brother* GENTLEMEN! Dean! You are in love with Cas! And I AM YOUR SIBLING! Lucifer! You are not getting under my skirt regardless of the outcome of this duel!

**Gabriel:** But I still have a shot, right?

**Sam:** I’d say you have better than a shot. I wouldn’t worry about it.

**Jo:** Speaking of shots, I can’t actually fire one. This thing is being done with swords, right?

**Sam:** Do you know what to do with one of those either?

**Jo:** *shuddering* Not at all. And I hope I never have to. On that note, I did meet this delightful young woman. Seems she is a ward of Lucifer.  Ah, here she comes now.

*Meg walks up to them*

**Sam, Dean, Castiel and Gabriel:** MEG MASTERS!?!?!

**Meg** : Hello, boys.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Meg:** Hello, Cas. Long time no see.

~flashback~

**Castiel:** Oh. My. Goodness. Meg frightens the bloody heck out of me.

**Gabriel:** Don’t all women?

**Castiel:** Yes, well. Her more than most. Ever since we got to Paris…

**Gabriel:** Surely it hasn’t been that bad!

**Castiel:** It has been absolutely horrendous. I have nightmares. And her brother is no better, even though I usually get along with the less-fair sex.

**Gabriel:** Her brother?

**Castiel:** Yes! You know, Meganario. He’s always making these little innuendos that are completely…

**Gabriel:** You know they are the same person, right? And judging by the amplitude and veracity of Meg’s bosoms, I would hazard a guess that they are female.

**Castiel:** What?!?

**Gabriel:** They are nearly identical, save the placement of their moles. And they are never in the same place at the same time. Identical siblings who are never in the same place at the same time are almost always the same people.

**Castiel:** Oh. I thought they just didn’t get on.

**Gabriel:** Nope. Now, are you going to finish packing so we can get back to England and dear cousin Lucy?

**Castiel:** Now there’s another man who frightens me. But that’s because I have seen his antique porn collection…

**Gabriel:** Quite. Those watercolors are truly atrocious. I mean, the brush work is…

**Castiel:** …I know. Amateurish. Gauche. It’s horrifying. Anyway, I would like to go shopping before we leave. Perhaps if I were to become my twin sister, Cassandra…

**Gabriel:** Women would not flirt with you?

**Castiel:** Quite.

**Gabriel:** If anything, that would probably encourage Meg. I am fairly certain that she is only flirting with you now because it makes you uncomfortable.

**Castiel:** Regardless. The rest of womankind would leave me alone. Tea?

**Gabriel:** Of course. Is this all the sugar we have?

~end flashback~

**Castiel:** Gah!

**Gabriel:** Quite.


	7. Chapter 7

_Then..._

**Meg:** Hello, Cas. Long time no see.

**Castiel:** Gah!

**Gabriel:** Quite.

_Now…_

**Meg:** …and Sam.  I almost didn’t recognise you in that corset.

**Sam:** Nor I you. Cravats becoming too difficult to pull off?

**Meg:** No. The moustache was getting itchy.

~flashback~

*a gypsy caravan*

**Sam:** I am so glad I met you, Meg. I feel as if we have a profound bond, like we are meant to be together! You must think me a fool.

**Meg:** Do not worry, Sam, I have felt the same since I met you, despite the difference in our stations!

**Sam:** I would feel honoured if you would stay for a while longer. My brother will not return until teatime.

**Meg:** Of course I will stay. Perhaps we could…retire to the study?

**Sam:** Um. Was that an innuendo? Because there is really only this one room in this wagon.

*a while later*

**Sam:** AAAAAAAAAAH!

**Meg:** EEEEEEEEEEEW!

**Sam:** You are a woman. I am so sorry. I though you were a…

**Meg:** Oh really? You believe real men have names like Meganario and like people to shorten it to Meg? And can’t tie cravats when you first meet them?

**Sam:** I just thought you were unused to such courtly company. I have had problems of that sort.

**Meg:** What about my twin sister? We are never in the same place at the same time!

**Sam:** I thought you didn’t get on! I commiserated about Dean!

**Meg:** So when you said ‘but I’m not like him’ you meant…

**Sam:** …’He’s a terrible rake and I’m a virgin,’ not ‘I have no man parts!’

**Meg:** Ah. Well. My mistake. But really, for future reference, ‘I have a twin. We’re never in the same place at the same time.’ means ‘We’re the same person,’ not ‘We don’t get on!’

**Sam:** Noted.

**Meg:** Good. And now we will never speak of this again. And if you do, or if you even look at me the wrong way, I will tell everyone in Paris that your brother had a liaison with Mark Campbell. Whom I happen to know is his half-brother. You will be chased out with pitchforks.

**Sam:** Well, in Dean’s defense, he isn’t really our brother. More like a distant cousin. Although, I didn’t really like him anyway…

**Meg:** Aw, wasn’t the brother you wanted Dean to sleep with, eh? Don’t worry. I’m sure if you asked nicely…

**Sam:** Ew. No. I just think he could have better taste.

**Meg:** Mhmm. Whatever you say, Sammy.

**Dean:** Sam! I’m home! Nice ass! Meg! You are a girl!

**Meg:** Damn it. Sam, if Dean puts one toe out of line….

*Dean licks his lips*

**Meg:** That is it! *pulls her clothes on and stomps off*

**Sam:** Damn it, Dean!

**Dean:** What? I was ogling you, not her!

**Sam:** That so doesn’t help right now. She is going off to tell everyone about Mark now…

**Dean:** Why is that a big deal?

**Sam:** You are related…

**Dean:** He’s like a fourth cousin or something. Everyone around here is fourth cousins. Who cares? It’s not like we had babies.

**Sam:** Must you be so crass? And anyway, you know we were pretending to be his brothers…

**Dean:** Whatever. Anyway, dear brother, I figure it’s been long enough that we can return to England without anyone recognising us.

**Sam:** Really? Oh good! I am so sick of being ‘The Campbell Brothers - Psychics Extraordinaire’. And living in a caravan. I thought it would be romantic. Turns out, no one bathes.

**Dean:** Eh. You loved it. We got invited to all the most influential homes in Paris, and you didn’t even have to worry about them throwing their daughters at you.

**Sam:** Yes, because a psychic gypsy would make a most disadvantageous match. Not to mention we lived in a caravan. Anyway, you fulfilled all their darkest fears about gypsies ravaging their daughters, so I had no need to.

**Dean:** Mmmm.  And their sons. Ok. We will need to tell Grandpa Samuel we are leaving. And wear new disguises for a while until Meg calms down. How do you feel about corsets?

**Sam:** Honestly, I think you look better in them. And the lacing itches. And it’s your turn to be the girl anyway.

**Dean:** We’ll see about that. Tea?

**Sam:** Quite. Pass the cream?

~end flashback~

**Meg:** So, are you penniless gypsies impersonating people above your station for any particular reason?


	8. Chapter 8

*Gasps from Gabriel, Castiel and Lucifer*

**Meg:** That’s right, boys. Your paramours are lowly gypsies. I saw them perform in Paris. They are only pretending to be noblemen.

**Sam:** Gabriel, I am so sorry for lying to you.

**Gabriel:** Whatever. It’s romantic. You do bathe, right?

**Castiel:** You are a gypsy, Dean? Does that mean you are going to abduct me and have your way with me? Please?

**Lucifer:** Not so fast! These two are impostors! They have made a fool of me! I demand satisfaction!

**Dean:** How have we made a fool of you?

**Sam:** He likes to pick fights like this. It’s how this whole duel thing started. Who knows what he thinks we did.

**Lucifer:** I shall go and fetch the constable! I shall get you thrown in jail! Say goodbye to your lovers, boys! Rubys!

*The two Rubys come out of the shadows, dressed as highwaymen. Highwaywomen? Whatever. They have guns.*

**Gabriel:** Not the….

**Lucifer:** That’s right. They are the dread Ruby Bandits! The most fearsome highwaymen in the county!

**Gabriel:** Damn! I knew she was scary!

**Sam:** Damn! I thought the brunette seemed quite sweet!

**Dean:** Damn! No wonder she was so good at riding!

**Castiel:** Damn! Where did you get those pants? They are absolutely fabulous!

**Lucifer:** Quiet! Now, girls, tie them up and be on your way. I wouldn’t want you to be here when the constable and his men arrive.

**John:** *stepping out of the shadows* Not so fast!

**Sam and Dean:** DAD!!!

**Gabriel, Castiel, Lucifer, Jo, Meg, Ruby and Ruby:** JOHN WINCHESTER?!?


	9. Chapter 9

**John:** Constable?

*A constable, let’s call him Garth, appears with his men. They overpower the bad guys and tie them up.*

**Dean:** Hey, Dad. We thought you were dead.

**John:** Sorry about that, Son. I had to fake my death after that fire that killed your mother. If I disappeared, they would stop hunting us, and I could figure out who was after us and stop them. Now that I have apprehended Lucifer here, we are finally safe.

**Sam:** Yay! You mean that we can finally reclaim our rightful titles, and return triumphantly to the highest echelons of society?

**John:** Indeed we can, Son. And we will. But first I must tell you of my adventures in finding these criminals.

**Sam:** Could we maybe get out of here first? It is rather cold, and I’d like to change into pants if at all possible before we get into more exposition.

**Dean:** Yes, and if we could have some tea as well, that would be excellent.

**Castiel:** We don’t have to change out of our corsets, do we?

**John:** No. You look quite smashing in yours. Although nothing rivals the sight of Sam’s bottom when he’s wearing a corset…

**Dean:** Maybe they could take off everything but the corsets?

**John:** And then make out…

*John, Dean and Gabriel get dreamy looks*

**Sam:** GUYS! You are interrupting the denouement to fantasize about your relatives! Get a grip!

**Castiel:** *looking hurt* Do you not want to make out with me, Samuel?

*a while later*

**John:** …and so I found this Azazel fellow, and he lead me to the crime ring I had been searching for.

**Gabriel:** Could you please pass the sugar?

**Dean:** They were the ones that were after us?

**John:** Quite. It turns out that they had overheard a fortune teller give a prophecy, and misinterpreted it to mean that they had to kill Sammy.

**Sam:** Me? Why?

**John:** Well, the part that they overheard was about how a boy would be born who had powers that Lucifer knew not, and how neither could live while the other survived, or some such nonsense.

**Sam:** So we had to…what, battle to the death?

**Gabriel:** Could you please pass the biscuits?

 


	10. Regency!Fic Part 10/10 - Tropes and Tribulations

**John:** Well, no.  You don’t need to fight to the death. You see, they only heard part of the prophecy. In my travels, I found someone who had heard the whole prophecy.

**Dean:** What did it say?

**John:** Well, it said that neither of their careers could live while the other survived. Basically, Sammy, only one of you could be the biggest gay porn star in the world, and the other would fade into oblivion.

**Castiel:** Ah! That’s what those watercolors are! They are porn of Lucifer! Now that I think about it, they did sort of look like him, in an impressionistic way.

**John:** It would appear that was so. And that the power Lucifer knew not was Sam’s, um, well, to be frank, Sam has a much better ass.

**Dean:** And he was trying to kill Sammy over this?

**John:** Well, he didn’t know. But having met him, he might have done it just over the porn.

**Sam:** Um. For the record, I’m fine with fading into oblivion. In fact, I’m fine with never starting my porn career.

**Dean:** About that…

**Sam:** Dean?

**Dean:** Remember that book I was writing? About you?

**Sam:** You said you were thinking about writing it.

**Dean:** Ah. Well, by that I meant I had already written it. And by written, I mean carved. It might be a bit of a … series of etchings.

**Sam:** Oh my God. Dean. Give them to me now.

**Dean:**  I don’t have them?

**Sam:** Why not?

**Dean:** I sold them?

**Sam:** To…

**Dean:** …Everyone? Hey! You don’t think we survived in Paris on palm reading, do you? Its an expensive lifestyle!

**Sam:** We lived in a wagon! We ate wild game that we killed ourselves! WE DIDN’T EVEN BATHE! Why could you possibly have been in need of money?

**Dean:** Well, really it was that they were very good, and I…

**John:** You know, Sam, they really are impressive pieces of art. They should be shared with the world. Why, I have one in which you cheeks are like little…

**Sam:** YOU BETTER BE TALKING ABOUT THE CHEEKS ON MY FACE, FATHER!!

**Gabriel:** Do you have any more of those delicious petit-fours?

**Sam:** GABRIEL!

**Gabriel:** *around food* Hmm?

**Sam:** Are you paying attention at all?

**Gabriel:** Mhmm. Blah blah I’m dating an internationally acclaimed porn star blah blah. I’m quite fine, actually. Dean?

**Dean:** Yeah?

**Gabriel:** You remember carving ‘Tower of London #2’?

**Dean:** Is that the one subtitled ‘You’ll be happy to die on it’?

**Gabriel:** Quite. Was that drawn to, um, scale?

**Dean:** Yup! Every inch!

**Gabriel:** Yup! I’m fine with the porn thing, Sammy-the-Conqueror! You can off me any day!

**Sam:** GAH!

**Gabriel:** Ok, ok. Dean. Don’t make etchings of Sam any more. From now on, I’m the only one who gets to see the Tower of London.

**Dean:** Ok, fine.

**Sam:** Thank you, Gabriel.

*they make out*

**Castiel:** *to Dean* You could make etchings of me?

**Dean:** I would like that. You could be my…exclusive etchings model?

**Castiel:** Really? I’d love to, Dean. I’d…love….

**Dean:** …

**Castiel:** …

  
**John:** Sam! Make the staring stop! Please, please make it stop!


	11. Epilogue

**Jo:** So, they cleared out of here kinda fast.

**Meg:** True. I’m sure it will sort itself out.

**Jo:** Oh dear. My cravat came undone in all the bustle. I’m ever so bad at tying these.

**Meg:** Let me help you.

….

**Meg:** Have you seen ‘Sounds of Silence’?

**Jo:** That etching of ‘Brother Campbell: Patron Saint of my Pants’?

**Meg:** Actually, that’s just the name of his collection of religious work. You know, like ‘Sympathy for the Devil’ or ‘Don’t Fear the Reaper’. Most of his work is under the name ‘The Tenth Earl of Cockshire.’

**Jo:** Ten? I would have said eleven, eleven and a half, easy.

**Meg:** Yeah, well, I didn’t look too hard.

**Jo:** Yeah.

*Both shudder at the thought of man parts*

**Meg:** Anyway. What I wanted to ask was if you, you know, liked it.

**Jo:** I really preferred ‘Honky Tonk Woman’ and even then the Adam’s apple sorta ruined it for me.

**Meg:** I meant, did you like the subject matter?

**Jo:** Oh! You mean the ball gag and the gimp suit? Yeah, I’m totally down for that.

**Meg** : Cool! Want to…retire to the study?

**Jo:** Um. Was that an innuendo? Because we are standing in a field.

**Meg:** Yes. I was asking if you wanted to have sex.

**Jo:** Oh! Sure! *as they walk away* you know, I really like the subject matter of ‘Ball and Chain’ too.

**Meg:** I think I may love you.

**Jo:** Quite.


End file.
